Empathic Musings

A funny thing happened yesterday, and it has prompted me to write a new blog post about a subject near and dear to my heart. I was talking with my parents on Skype, as I’m wont to do on Sunday afternoons, and my mother was telling me about how she used a “big word” that day at work and was very proud and excited to tell me about it. She laughed and suggested I should teach her some new “big words” that she could use from time to time. Naturally, my first thought was Ernest Hemingway’s famous rebuttal to William Faulkner:

Does he really think big emotions come from big words?

That said, I am a bit of a logophile, so I do have a penchant for admiring the savory goût of an unusual word. In fact, just a few days prior to my chat with my mother, I had raided my classroom for tools I could use in my ESL classes, and therein, I found a promising old box of “English Vocabulary Cards,” proudly containing 1,000 useful words.

Well, that box had been sitting on my desk up until Sunday, virtually unopened. But the moment seemed to proscribe its perusal, so I suggested my mother and I dive into its contents together and see what we’d find. I lifted the dusty lid and reached somewhere into the middle of the cards, ultimately selecting an unpresuming one from their midst. I was shocked at the word I randomly selected!

Why so surprised? Well, empathy has long been one of my favorite words and a concept I often discuss with people. Truth be told, I think it may be the single most important faculty we have in order to be good human beings. Here’s how the card defines empathy:

Of course, I’m not much of a person for the metaphysical or to think about crazy ideas such as fate or destiny. But I have to admit, it seemed rather fitting that, of 1,000 cards, I’d randomly be drawn toward this one, wonderful word. Yes, pure coincidence, I know. But still, cool.

So, what’s the big deal about empathy? I first began thinking about it in college, when I came to realize that a writer’s most useful tool is empathy. If you cannot actually experience the emotions—good or bad—of another person, as vividly in your mind and heart as that person experiences them, then it becomes a great challenge to ever effectively (and affectively!) write about the human experience. One of my favorite examples is the following poem, “She dwelt among the untrodden ways,” by the great Romantic poet William Wordsworth. Chances are, if you’ve spent any real time talking about literature with me, I’ve suffered you to hear a reading. So, here it is:

She dwelt among the untrodden ways

Beside the springs of Dove,

A Maid whom there were none to praise

And very few to love:

A violet by a mossy stone

Half hidden from the eye!

—Fair as a star, when only one

Is shining in the sky.

She lived unknown, and few could know

When Lucy ceased to be;

But she is in her grave, and, oh,

The difference to me!

In all honesty, every time I read this poem, I feel a shudder down my spine when I reach the final two lines. My cheeks grow flush and I feel a distinct flutter in my chest. That’s how powerful, how affective, this poem is. Wordsworth is famous for his slightly cryptic “Lucy poems,” and this is by far the finest. He praises this girl he loves, this girl whom nobody ever bothered to notice, with the most fittingly delicate imagery. But the kicker is that she has died, which has had no impact on anyone—expect for its having made all the difference in the world to the poet. He loved her, but he never got the chance to tell her. Lovely, simple, and harrowing. This poem is about unprofessed love and untimely death, and if your sense of empathy is sharp enough, you will feel (even if only for a mere moment) the exact heartache of the bard. Simply put, empathy allows us to connect and share. Empathy necessarily requires creative thinking and a certain openness with one’s sentimental side. Yet while it demands that openness, it also enhances it in the process—it acts as a cyclical process. The more you allow yourself to connect with people, the easier it will become, the more you’ll want to do so, and the more open others will be to empathizing with you. Instant karma.

I invite everyone who reads this to consider how open they are to feeling empathy toward fellow human beings on a daily basis. You’ll perhaps find it remarkably refreshing!

Understanding Polyamory

            Polyamory is the practice of simultaneously engaging in multiple meaningful, committed, loving relationships. It is a rational, beautiful alternative to the traditional monogamous relationship paradigm that has dominated the western world for centuries, and it is distinct from polygamy, open relationships, and swingers. Polyamory is a lifestyle, even a sexual preference, and it is the next movement in the sexual and relationship revolution currently taking place. I am polyamorous, and I would like to take some time to explain what exactly that means—and what it does not mean.

            To start, you have to understand the causes that led me to a polyamorous mindset. I do not consider it something I’ve chosen to live, but simply the route I have been supposed to take all along. Although there have been hurdles along the way, the same would be true of a monogamous relationship, so I don’t consider the difficulties I’ve encountered particularly salient detractions. Simply put, I look around me and see so much anger, jealousy, and negativity in the world. After a war that has dragged on for over a decade and a society that has come to take the word “terrorism” as a fact of life, I have wondered if an alternative exists. One does.

            Since polyamory is the act of loving multiple people, it stands to reason, then, that it is also the act of cultivating more love and positive energy in this increasingly hostile world. For that reason alone, it is worth considering.

            But more powerful is the knowledge that love is far from a finite resource. It is an emotion, a feeling, like so many others. It would be absurd to tell someone not to get “too happy” or “too sad”; these emotions, like all others, come in varying intensities and are instigated by various things. Indeed, the more things we have in our lives that make us happy, the happier we are. The same works for love. The more people we have in our lives whom we love, the more love we have to give and the more loved we feel. It’s really that simple.

            If you have ever found yourself wishing to connect with a friend at a more intimate level—be it holding hands, a hug, a kiss, or even sexually—then you probably have already felt what I’m describing. If you’ve ever had that feeling while already in a loving, committed relationship—without thereby lessening the already existing feelings toward your lover—then you have definitely felt what I’m describing. Take a moment now to think about that feeling.

            In a polyamorous relationship, these feelings are encouraged because the returns are great. Do jealousy and insecurity pop up? Initially, yes. But once we learn to acknowledge and then disregard these negative feelings, recognizing their petty, self-centered nature, we are able to break free of the yoke of social restraint and begin to develop something bigger

            As I already said, polyamory is distinct from polygamy, open relationships, and swingers. Polygamy is a typically religion-based practice of multiple spouses—often, one husband with multiple wives. Polyamorists typically are very hostile and skeptical of religion and marriage both, and they are certainly interested in having a level playing field rather than a male-dominated one. So polygamy and polyamory are clearly very distinct. Open relationships involve a committed couple allowing one another to engage in sex with other partners (often as a result of being geographically distant). Open relationships do not seek additional loving partners, but merely the gratification of sexual desires. And swingers are similar. Swingers are couples who swap partners or even engage in sexual acts all together, but they do not form loving, committed relationships. As soon as additional loving relationships are added to the open relationship or swinger format, it has actually evolved into polyamory.

            Sex, it would seem, is not a part of the polyamorous lifestyle, then. But to think that would be a huge misunderstanding. Of course sex is a part of the lifestyle! It is simply not the focus. However, most polyamorous people have healthy, open attitudes toward sexuality, are comfortable discussing it, and they do choose partners based in part on sexual attraction. Sex is a part of life, and we accept and embrace that rather than shun it. But it cannot be the motivating factor behind relationships in order for them to last.

            As an additional result of the polyamorous mindset, bisexuality is extremely common. Once a commitment to love more people has been made, it is a natural step to tear down any arbitrary gender-based boundaries, thus in effect doubling the number of prospective lovers.

            These points undoubtedly raise questions in the open-minded reader and skeptic alike. The most common: How many partners is enough? Similarly, how does one find enough time for all those partners? The answers to those questions are highly specific to individual needs, time, and polyamorous motivations. Polyamorous communes do in fact exist, harboring groups into the double-digits of people all living together and loving each other. But these scenarios are rare. More common are relationships based around three to five members, their relationships sometimes intertwining but sometimes kept separate. Imagine a web of relationships. Regarding the issue of time, that depends on proximity, levels of connection, and individual needs. But when you have multiple people fulfilling different relationship roles for the same person (as well as that person fulfilling different relationship roles for other people), then you are likely to find an economy of love that simply works its way out in the end—just as some traditionally monogamous couples are together constantly, and others spend lots of time apart. Both are functional, healthy relationship styles.

            A final question is, what about the children? Well, since homosexual couples have had to field responses to that same inane objection for decades now when trying to start their own families, it makes sense that polyamorous people have to do the same. The answer is simple; when children are involved, how can it ever be a bad thing to have those children surrounded by more people to love and influence them? If anything, they grow up with much healthier ideologies about love and sexuality and are overall happier people.

            To conclude, I am not trying to persuade anyone to my lifestyle. Anyone who knows me well and has heard me talk about these issues knows that my sole goal is to raise awareness and, with any luck, reveal to a few like-minded people that there is an alternative out there. I’ve done it many times already, so I hope this article continues with that success.

            Peace and love!

Suggestions for further reading:

http://www.planetwaves.net/compersion.html - article discussing the feeling of pleasure polyamorous people feel knowing that their partner receives pleasure being with another partner.

http://www.polyamorousmisanthrope.com/ - a cool polyamorous blog that offers an unapologetic look into the lifestyle.

http://aphroweb.net/nre_faq.htm - discusses “new relationship energy”—the impact on an already existing relationship exacted by falling in love with another person openly.

http://www.thedailybeast.com/newsweek/2009/07/28/only-you-and-you-and-you.html - discusses both the social rise of polyamory and the many challenges it faces in gaining acceptance.

http://lovingmorenonprofit.org/faq.php - a famous polyamorous online magazine.